He's only Hurting Himself
by Flawless Beauti
Summary: Haruhi/Hikaru:: Kaoru wishes the knowledge would make him want him less. ::One sided Kaoru/Hikaru:: ::Character Death::


**A/N: I do not know what this is. I read somewhere that Kaoru is actually homosexual and Hikaru isn't and somehow…this. It's so depressing and confusing and just a bunch of rambles really. -_-**

**Warnings: Hikaru/Haruhi, one sided Kaoru/Hikaru, main character death, vague mentions of sex and HIV/AIDS.**

**Disclaimer: OHSHC does not belong to me in any form. The characters mentioned here are not mine, nor does this follow any storyline. This is not being written for profit or any kind of monetary gain.  
**He knows he's only hurting himself. Every time he handles him so gently that he feels as fragile as the other is pretending and his heart beats a little more rapidly, because if nothing else Hikaru is a wonderful actor. At the end of the day, however, they are back from almost-lovers to brothers, and he withdraws a little more.

* * *

He doesn't think any of them realize it, except perhaps Haruhi because she has always been intuitive like that. She looks at him sadly but still she goes. As much as he wants to, he can't blame her for that. He knows he'd do the same if given the choice and really, he wants them to be happy. Both of them. Even if it is together. The thought makes him feel slightly ill, and Hikaru takes full advantage as he draws him closer and murmurs words Kaoru wishes were true.

He knows he can never have him. He wishes that knowledge would make him want him just a little less.

It could be more bearable, he thinks, if Hikaru weren't so touchy. He could force his mind to stop thinking _maybe, maybe _and stop getting his hopes up just to have them crumble once more. At the same time, though, he knows he would die without the accidental touches and the nights when he can look at him and touch and nobody has to know.

The years go by and nothing yet everything changes. They live together until the engagement is announced and then Kaoru leaves. _'I don't want to intrude on any…private moments.' _He claims with a slight laugh as they both blush, and it isn't until he's in his own, empty, apartment that he breaks down and wonders why he ever claimed he wanted them to be happy together.

He goes to the wedding because that's what good brothers do. He is best man and he makes a speech that's both humorous and strangely touching, and he sees how much it means to him when his eyes well with unshed tears. He leaves as soon as possible anyway, pleading a previous engagement and he goes home and drinks himself into a stupor for the second time in his life.

The first time he buys a prostitute is when Haruhi announces she's pregnant, and isn't it just wonderful to see the smile on Hikaru's face? He slams into the headboard; blinks back tears, and forgets everything. After that he realizes it's better than alcohol, and he has a different man in his bed nightly.

He thinks, perhaps, it'd be easier if Hikaru still noticed him the way he use to.

He's named godparent to the twins and allows himself to cry because everyone else is and it isn't like anyone would notice anyway. He holds them and hates them because he sees her in them both and then they open their eyes and he breaks down all over again.

They stay with him for a month every year, and he visits every other weekend or so. He loves them both, even if they do look like her. It's when both sets of twins are together and alone that the question is asked, and suddenly Kaoru has more important things to do than spend time with his other half.

'_Uncle Kaoru, I thought twins stayed together forever? Why don't you and Daddy?'_

He's thirty-six and dying. He knew it was a possibility; you can't be so frivolous with your body and not pay consequences, after all. He sits on a bench in the park after the doctor appointment and holds his head and wonders how he's going to tell them and if he even should. In the end he caves, but doesn't say the exact disease. He hates himself for loving the way their bodies feel pressed together as tightly as they are when Hikaru hugs him and sobs as though his heart is breaking.

He's thirty-nine and cannot get out of bed. He has the flu and he knows he won't be walking again. Hikaru doesn't understand why it's making him so sick and it's only when the live-in nurse takes him aside that he understands and then he's torn between anger and despair and Kaoru can only look away.

His last words are a confession because he knows it doesn't matter if his brother hates him after he's dead. So he whispers the words and Hikaru chokes and sobs and collapses at the same time as Kaoru's heart and the children are ushered from the room, even though they understand far more than their parents might wish.

Hikaru locks himself in his room and doesn't come out for three days, but eventually he does and he holds Haruhi and they have the funeral and everyone is there and crying. He wonders why it feels so wrong before he realizes it's because it doesn't feel any different, not having Kaoru beside him, and then he realizes just what he's done and he falls and he doesn't get back up for a long time.


End file.
